Crappy Christmas

Start out today thought that was going to be a good Christmas. Boy was I wrong. Got the potato salad done the night before. Got turkey going to and smoke to smokers this morning. Wanted to show dad something but he didn't want to get up. Just before I was going to go outside to get turkey dad says to make his own dinner. He knew I had the turkey going. Sent a text to my sisters this morning to return the family a Merry Christmas. Never got anything back. Was kind of hoping my ex since we've been talking like send me something. Nope. I was trying to make this a good Christmas day for dad and me but sure did turne into crap. So again why the hell am I here.

Not good not good at all.

Okay last week did have a procedure done on his legs don't his veins back up I mean his arteries. Over the weekend his left foot really starting to bother him. Gratefully they were able to get him into the doctors office yesterday. Pray much we were told they going to have to amputate here before too long. Needless to say it's scary. I just hope my dad don't give up. So if any of you that read this believe in God please pray for him.

And here is a note about my ex and I struggles with her. Last week concerning my ex I had asked the Lird if I do not hear from her by this Tuesday today I would give up on us completely. Well I have talked to a few different times via text. Then this morning just before I woke up and was having a dream and I was telling someone in the dream that I still feel like the Lord is calling me and her to be together. And as I was going through my emails this morning I was reminded about how I was going to give up on me and my ex. Because I had put it on my calendar if I did not hear from her to give up. So I am praying that the Lord is calling us together and it's just not coincidences this all that I have just said. So again if anyone that reaches believes in God please pray that the Lord will guide me in what to do about my dad and also about my ex.

Thanks for listening and have a Merry Christmas goodbye.

Struggling

Has not been a good couple weeks. Dad not doing good. Have had a bunch of doc appointments lately. Had to go in for minor surgery on his legs again. And lately he is not there mentally. Does not know what's going on. Then my ex texted me and wondered how things going. I told her about me and nothing about my dad. Asked how school and her health doing. Waited and still am waiting 4-5 days later. She has been on my mind a lot anyway then that text, then nothing. Just don't know what to do. I got all that going on with my dad and struggling to make payments on things. I got one vehicle down. Of course its the one I need for dad and don't know how I am going to the get money to fix it. I need to pay a friend off from money I borrowed from him 3 years ago. I have tried to sell some stuff I have but no ones wants to buy them. Ok Lord when will things get better. I have tried all my life to do your will. At times things go ok. It seems like my enter life things go wrong. Mom sick my entire life dad not far behind her. I Can't say I have done things right I mess up. But come on I served your church in one way or another my entire life except this summer. I cant see where it is making a difference. Things still going like crap but still trying to believe that you will provide. And at times I believe he has. But why do things seem to be getting worse? This started last year or so. I just wish I knew what the Lord wanted from me. Some say find a better job. Tried that. But some aspects glad I have the one I have. This way I can be here to take care of dad.

Lonely

Right now I feel so alone. Wish somebody could hold me and tell me things will be okay. I owe so much money right now I don't know how to pay for anything. I got everything breaking down right now. I've lost a friendship because I owe them money. Just saw a movie that reminds me how alone I am. It reminded me of my dad and how much love and compassion he showed to my mom when she was slowly dying. I so want to be able to do that for my wife if I had one. I so want to be in someone's life to help take care of them and hope to take care of me the same way. So right now I feel so alone. Wish I had someone in my life that could hold and reassure me that things will work out. I still wish so much that my ex was in my life. I cared for her so much correction I care for her so much. I know there's a lot going on in her life right now. And I wish I could be a part of her life to help her through it. But she asked me to leave so I left. And I've had friends and family tell me to forget about her. So that's what I'm trying to do. The only thing is I still don't understand why the Lord let me go with her. Throughout my life every time I was interested in a woman The Lord blocked it somehow. Whether it was through readings or that person leaving my life. And now that she's left my life also. I am wondering if I'm supposed to be alone the rest of my life. It's just kind of stinks since all my life I'll ever wanted to do was to be married and care for someone. Like right now really wish I had someone to hold me. But it will never happen again.

Don't know

Well at least Thanksgiving dinner went well today. Again I was looking around trying to find if anyone was actually interested in me. Nope all they want is money. Yeah I'm talking about different websites and women. I live in the country so I don't have a chance to get out much. I also take care of my dad. Plus I live in a small house. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised when nobody wants to be with me. So I've got to stop thinking that somebody is going to fall in love with me. I don't make anything to speak of. In fact I feel like I'm falling further behind. It seems like when I might actually get caught up in be a head a little something else goes wrong. So I guess I'm going to try selling some stuff that I don't use that much anymore. And hope I get paid with what it's worth. Knowing my luck I'll get an eighth of what stuff is worth. I hate it that my ex has been on my mind so much lately. Well I hope she has a good life. And that she will find the one that is meant for her. And I'm going to try my hardest to forget about being with a woman ever again. Since that were everything always seems to go.

Should have known.

For the last couple days I've been trying to find someone to go with. I can't deny that I have not been looking for sex or someone to play with or simply to be a friend. I even try talking to my ex via text. Since I am 44 I can definitely say for the last 34 years and I still haven't found someone to go with. So why do I keep trying to find someone. Should be blatantly obvious that no one wants to be with me. I think I am a kindhearted loving caring man. Do I have a temper at times yes. All I ever wanted to do was be with someone, care for them as much as they care for me. So I guess I should try to prepare myself to be alone the rest of my life. I was so stupid last year to believe someone was actually falling in love with me. It's nothing against her. I was just stupid believing that someone would want to be with me for the rest of my life.

Not sure what to do.

Well I have not been on here in awhile. Well got done one of the things that needed to be done. Was able to get the ramp built for my dad. I don't know why but lately my ex been on my mind a lot. We used to use this messenger to talk back-and-forth. For two or three days I was having the urge to look at it but I didn't want to. Finally I took a close look at her picture. Almost like she was posing if there was the wedding band and engagement ring. So I made a comment about it. And told her I hope her and her family have a good Thanksgiving. And so the last couple days have been trying to figure out what that means with her having it on. I took finally look back at that messenger and all she said was hi. Just now I was praying to the Lord about what to do about my ex. And then I got a reading from Tobit eight verse four. It is about Tobias and Sara when they pray to the Lord to bless their marriage. And also has some there were God gave Adam and Eve so he would not be alone. So I'm really hoping and praying that this is what he wants from me and my ex at some point in time to get back together. So if any of you to happen to see this please pray for us and then we will follow God's will. Thanks for your prayers and for putting up with me.

I seem to do is screwup.

Can I ever catch a break. Been working for Farmer friend of mine. First a couple weeks ago I Tahoe broke down. Okay now I gota come up with money to fix that. Then I discovered that my Blaser needs a bunch of break work done on it. Cool I'm working for my farmer friend to earn some money to fix these. But today well working some ground somehow I break three teeth on the implement. And of course he was really upset about this. And I've had some other minor things that seem to happen well I'm running his equipment. I don't know what to do. I watch what I'm doing but still shit is happening. I sent him a text later apologizing for not paying more attention to things. And I also mentioned I would understand if you don't want me to run his equipment anymore. I don't have confidence in myself anymore. Because every time I think things are kind of going to get turnaround  it gets worse. So Lord why am I here. I just don't know what to do anymore. Just when I think I might have a reason to live. Things go to crap again.

Tired

Well it's been a busy last week. It started last weekend when I had to dig a grave for a funeral for a cop. By the way I take care of the cemeteries for the township I live in. The funeral was on Monday.   I had about hundred cars in a smaller cemetery compared to the bigger ones you see. And this took all day. Then on Tuesday I had to run my dad allover the place for different doctors appointments. That evening I get a call from my farmer friend. So from Wednesday I've been working 10+ hours a day. So I guess that's a good thing because I didn't think about wanting to die as much. Well I thought I post a little something anyways. Hope whoever reads this has a good week ahead and month and year. What the heck have a good rest of your life.

I just don't know what to do.

First off I'm scared what's going on with my dad again. Just came home from nursing home about a week or so ago. Now he's just not there like he was. When he first came home from the nursing home he was full life was very sharp remembering talking about things. The last few days very tired and not remembering things.

I still don't know why I was born. I still hate myself. I've been trying to pray to the Lord. When I finally get the courage up to do that. Pray about something specific in the reading I get it doesn't make sense at all with what I'm asking about. So at times it seems like even God don't care that I'm alive. Like just a little bit ago. I was praying and asking the Lord what I'm supposed to do about my job situation. So I getting a reading from songs. So how is being with a woman anything to do with about getting the a job. I would not think God would want me to be a porn star. Besides that I'm terrible in bed. The reason I say that I think this one big reason she left me. Kind of weird to believe that anybody want to read what I say. But I see somebody is. Hope you're getting a good laugh.

shit

Ugg I hate this. Just when things look like things might stable out. Like normal FUCK you shows up. Was hopping that things might start to go my way. NOPE. Was using truck today and finally found out why I have been smelling gas lately. One of the fuel lines off the gas tank fuel pump sprung a leak. And of course this happens when I need the truck badly. Why can't things go well for me?

 And I can't figure out why my ex girlfriend is texting me. Thinking that she just wants something from me again. Part of me is hoping the reason she text me is she misses me. But lets be real. My life isnt good that way. Usully it says Fuck you ass hole. I mean why would things go my way. Like I have been saying. My life sucks. So why was I born?

Still can't stand myself

I still can't stand myself. I hate it that I want to be dead. Last night was really struggling with my ex-girlfriend. Trying to figure out why she said I am the one with the problem. I am the one that ruin the relationship by being too demanding or controlling. She's the one that went out and had other guys playing with her and other guys having sex with her and sexting with other people too. I knew she had struggles with this before we got together. But she said she has given it up. She was spending time with everybody else but me. So yeah I got a little demanding when I wanted to spend time with her. But yet it's all my fault that the relationship ended and I am the one with the problem. I admit I've got problems. But then again who doesn't. I tried so hard to change for her. But I was hoping she would want to make changes for me too. But I guess not. Again why did I expect to find someone at 43 years old. What I couldn't even get a girlfriend when I was in my teens and 20s or 30s. Boy am I stupid. So again why am I here. I was so looking forward to taking care of someone and have them take care of me. So anyways I was going to Text her about how I was feeling about things and how she treated me. But when I went to use the texting program she had sent me a text earlier in the day. Granted it only said hi. But the last time she had text me she said I will never talk to you again. So needless to say I'm really confused right now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I still hate myself I still don't want to live. Well I need to get going and get some stuff done.

Why am I here

I still hate myself. I can not stand my self. As of right now I don't care to live and I welcome death. I hate that I feel this way. I also don't like that i am thinking of ways I could kill myself. And I really hate I started to look on line on ways to kill ones self.

Kind of down right now.

Just found out my dad might lose part of his leg.

Wish I were dead.

I hate myself so much. I trie to have friends but nobody wants to be my friend. I think I figured out why my fiancé hates me. The last couple times we had sex I think I pretty much raped her. Even know she said yes I don't think she really wanted to have sex. So that would explain why she hates me. So that's definitely good reason why should be alive becouse I raped a women. Yesterday I thought maybe I might have some friends. Got a text yesterday from my sister about a party at her brother-in-law's. Think I'll cool I got invited to go someplace. Yeah I got invited to babysit my sisters kids. That's all I'm good for us to be used by everybody. But whenever I need help everybody's always too busy to help me. Yeah I might get help once in a great while. But it always seems Tony hopeless. So I helped them. But when I need to help nobody's available all too busy. So again why lord am I here. I have begged for your help lord. I have pleaded for your help Lord. I'm sorry I just do t feel you in my life anymore at all. I have tried to do your will. Granted I am not that good at it sorry.  Why won't anyone help me. At my former church that's what we were supposed to do there help each other. But every time I needed prayers nobody was there to help me. So again Lord why am I here. I can I should have known being a 43 year old that nobody would want to be with me for a reason. I mean for 30 some years I could never get a girlfriend. Why would I get one at 42. I should've known that it was not of the Lord. Lord why did you let her watch back in that night why. If you knew people say you do that this was going to happen. I tried so hard to be there for her. And all that happened was I got shut out. So again Lord why am I here if nobody likes me nobody wants to be around me. So Lord please let me die. Don't see no reason to live.

Still here but all alone

Well I am still here. Still wish I were dead. But that is up to God. I am still praying he will let me die. Well the only friend I had has left. She was the one I had asked to marry me. The last couple months she wanted space so I gave it to her. She has had a rough life. For a while I tried to stay around to help her even though she asked for space. The reason I tried to stay around was scared for her that she would go to back to her old life style. And I need a friend to lean on but she didn't see that. So I left our church and her so she could have space. Still trying to be a friend I would text or email her saying I am praying for her and I love her. Then I noticed my text weren't going through. She had said earlier that she was taking phone in for repair so I gave it up to that. Then one night I was feeling down and tried to call her. I could not get through so I texted her sister to find out what going on. Now remember still feeling down. Got email back she changed her number. Her reason she had a stocker bothering her. So now I am a stocker? Thanks. So last couple weeks tried to forget her. But it started a couple days ago. I started to get the feeling something very wrong with her. As in she going back to her old life style. The lord put it so strong on my heart I could not help but email her. The lord was telling to have her stop what she is about to do. That what she is about to do concerned her very soul. And since then I have sent her about five more emails. I could not stop my self. I am so scared for her. One thing is her very life. That if she goes that way she will die very soon. And I told her ask God for forgiveness and ask him to help you. And I told her to give herself totally to the Lord. And when she would he would bless her in way she could not imagine. I can not explain what it means to give it all to the Lord. It just is. So please if anyone reads this please pray for her. I am still very scared for her. I know that I have killed my last friendship I had. The reason I say I have no friends is. All that I had were from church. And over the years the ones I had have left for different reasons. Just grown apart over the years. And it doesn't help that I am very shy. As for other people in my life. I got family and work associates.  So like I said she was my last friend. I know I was not the best boyfriend. I knew she had issues and she knew I did. I could except the way she was and how she hurt me. I don't understand why she couldn't do the same. When ever she need help I would drop all I was doing and help her. But when I needed help She was to busy for me. So yes I would get upset and at times mad. So here I am all alone. Yes it hurts. But right now I am more concerned for her life. So Again if anyone reads this please pray for her. I know I can never have her as a friend again. Unless God makes it happen. But I am so concerned for her life and soul. Thank you for praying for her. Bye

later

Been real busy lately. I'll try to post soon. Thought things going better. Wrong!

Yep my life sucks.

Today I was hoping me and my ex could talk. And pray about things. And she said she would be there on Sunday. Was talking to her last night and I didn't think it would happen today. Got a text about 11 today and she was saying she was really tired and whatnot. At that point in time I knew she would not show up. So I got to where I was going and did what I did to do. And sure enough she never showed up. I really needed her to show up today. Come to find out she did a bunch of running around today. I really need to talk to her today and pray about things. And like always I can never find anyone to pray with. Just seems like no matter what I say or do I'm always wrong. So like I have Said my life sucks. So again why am I here on earth. People say they care about me. But when ever I need help with anything or prayers i never find anyone to help me or pray with me. And then people wonder why I do everything myself.

Things looking better

Thank you Lord I am not so down. Thank you Lord me my ex are talking again. Yesterday We got to talk some. And that was good I needed that. Today got some things done around the house. And got to talk some more today with my ex. The thing I liked the most is she text me. Most of the time its me that starts conversation. Another good thing is I feel more up today.Thanks for the prayers. Now I just need to get doing more physical stuff to get back into shape.

Still confused

I still don't know what to do. I guess one thing I hope I continued to do. I hope I continue to do this blog. Well me and my ex-girlfriend met up again today. I guess first off I should say. That the last couple of days or so. I have been praying so much. That the Lord will Schillingwood I am supposed to do with regards to a relationship with her. I was praying that lord would show me what this relationship supposed to be not what I or she wants but what he wants it to be. I don't know I guess when we finally ate supper today. I guess I kind of felt a peace come over me. I hope she did too. I guess I still believe she's the one that Lord has called me to. I hope I'm doing this right. Please Lord help us and heal us. Help us to do your will in this relationship. So if anyone actually reads this. And believes in the Lord Jesus Christ. Please pray for us. That this relationship will be of him not us. Thank you so much.

Just like normal

Just like normal the one I was engaged to does not have time for me. How shocking. She says she wants to do things together. But every time I let her know I am in the area. Oops busy.  First she was studding. that I can understand. She shows up and all she does is bitch about the new teacher. Briefly ask how I am doing. And I say I don't know. A few other things said and I got to go. Friends coming over and better get there for other sister. Ok see you. Ill be doing stuff for awhile. Maybe then we could do something. Ok see how things go. # hours later I get ready to come home if no reply from text. sure enough nothing after 5 min. Ab out half way home so good 10 min later. Oops missed text. A few minutes later They still here. Again I try to do things with her. And again she don't want to. Yet she says she loves me and wants to do things. Again the readings I get is to be understanding. I am so frustrated. What the hell am I supposed to do. I feel like her little boy toy that she batts around when she gets board. See I care for you.

Confused

I wish I knew what to do. I have know idea who I am. OR why the fuck I am alive on this earth. aAll I do is mess things up. I hate my life. I hate my existence. A big part of me wishes I was dead. Please help me Lord. I can not stand my self.

Still hate my self

I still hate my self. Why am I here? Who am I supposed to be? By this age you know who you are and what your life will be. Me I have know idea who I am or what I am supposed to do. I thought I found someone to marry but that didn't work. I don't have any skills that companies are looking for. So I cant find a job that pays well. So i guess it is a good thing not getting married couldn't afford it anyway. I try to give my two cents worth on different subjects and like normal it is ignored. All though most of the time down the road I am proven right. So again why am I here. Nobody wants to listen what I say.

I feel like I have no reason to live.

I am forty + years old. I am a christian and have been my whole life. I believe in God and pray to him daily. I try to do what is right and just but fail. I know we all fail to live up to God's standards. Thats why He gave us Jesus. I do not have a life. I am single and have been all but nine months. All my life I have been single. I have wanted girlfriends but was to shy. And when every I prayed about possible dating someone. Ether God said no to me through readings or they left my life. This past March I thought the Lord was saying to go ahead and ask her out. More like I prayed. Lord if you want me to ask her to start dating let her walk back into the room. I barely had that out of my mouth she walked back in. We got talking again and I asked her if she wanted to start Dating and she said yes. Finally someone likes me and wants to get to know me. I knew she had a past that wasn't the best. She had slept with other guys. She had started to change what she was doing before we got together. I wasn't crazy that she wasn't a virgin like me. But I understood why she did some of things she did. We were getting to know each other and having a good time together. Before we started dating I had asked her if she wanted to help me with my mowing jobs and she said yes. So we were seeing a lot of eachother. And when things worked out we would get naked with each other and enjoy eachothers company. We did not have sex right away. And we would pray if this relationship was of the lord. And most of the readings we would get said yes. We prayed with your families and again the readings were saying yes. At about the end of April she let me know she had been raped in February. That caught me off guard and very upset at what that person did to her. Around this time we had started to get readings about getting married. About mid June I was thinking of giving up my virginity to her. Not to have sex but to show her how much I love her and want her. So one day we were getting very intimate and I had sex with her. It was great to know a women wants me. Ok not the best at fucking but not to bad. I went more then 10 minutes before I camm. We did some more when time would let us. Usually about twice a month. We kept praying by ourselves and with family. Again readings about marriage. So one night I showed her rings I was looking at. She had kinda described what she was looking for in a ring. When I showed her a pic online of the one I was thinking of. She got very excited she and said thats what she had always pictured. A few days after I got it I proposed to her and she said yes. So we started things rolling to get married. This was the end of July. About that time she had noticed a bump on her inner thigh up by her private area. So as the week went on it kept getting bigger and bigger. She went to her docs they gave her some antibiotics and sent her home. Then as the weekend got going it got much bigger and more painful. She went to er and they lanced it and sent her home with more antibiotics. A day or to lter back to er. This time they admitted  her. When all said and done she was in for ten days and laid up for a month and about lost her leg. It was after this she started to become distant. About Christmas time things started to get bad between us. I wanted to do stuff together but she didn't want to. I was upset with her and didn't go to any parties with her. I thought we overcame that. So at new years we went to a party and things were ok between us. At some point around here she told me me she had been fucking another guy. A few times when we were dating. Then stopped for awhile after we got engaged. Then when we were struggling at Christmas she started up again. And she was raped again just after we started dating. Needless to say I was confused and disappointed. But earlier in my life God had given me readings about an unfaithful wife. And to be forgiving to her. So thats what I did. And I got readings later about the same thing to forgive. So that what I did. Thought maybe things getting back to normal between us. Marriage prep classes coming up and things seemed fine. Then out of the blue. She says I want to break up. What? That put me down for a week or so. I try talking to her and she don't want to. After trying for awhile to work through this. I say fine I give up See you later I cant take it any more. All of a sudden she wants me to be in her life. So we do things together a few more times. Then her depression hits her big time. And she don't want nothing to do with me at all. Finally find out that it was the anniversary of her first rape. Since I don't know what going on I am angry and upset that her friends can be there to help her but the one that loves her cant. And i think at some point here she fucks her one friend again. This was mid February. About this time she says she has a job offer in Minnesota st paul area. Of course I don't like it. Here I go again no one can stand to be around me. No one likes me. What am I doing wrong to drive them Away. I tell her I'll leave our church she don't need to. I won't bother you any more i'll stop hurting you by leaving. She say she loves me and wants me to stay. So I stay around. About mid March the anniversary of the second rape comes around. She is all down and again and don't want to see me. Every time I am around her she looks down uncomfortable around me. AgainI writer her saying i'll leave so she don't have to. She says she needs me. but when I am around her all she talks about is leaving to go get that job. I cant take it any more. All i do is hurt her when we work together. She says she needs me but all talks about is leaving. I cant take it. All I do is cause her pain. I waited for the Lord to show me the one he chose for me. So every women I have been interested in leaves me. I cant get anyone to help me when I need help with things. But when others call for help I better or else. Why doesn't anyone want to be with me. I wish I were never born. I don't want to be here. I hate my self. I wish I was dead. I cant find work. I cant find friends. I try. But no one wants me. I cant even express how down I feel. The job I have I think they are looking to replace me. So why am I here? People say they like me but do they? My girlfriend say we will work this out but yet she is moving away. I wish I was dead. Maybe then Ill feel alive. The readings I get say to be patient and things will work out.