Again I just don't know what to do.

I just don't know what to do concerning my dad. He's back in the hospital again with another mini stroke. I guess the good thing is maybe they can rearrange some of his meds so he feels more alive.

As for me I still wonder why the hell I am here on earth. So that is I just wish I had someone to share my life with that wanted to be with me. But I doubt that will ever happen.

About dad

Well my dad goes in for a procedure to check the veins in his legs on Monday morning. Kind of worried that things might go wrong. But praying things will go well. Dad's big toe is doing a lot better than what it was. This is on the foot that they might have to take off eventually. For the most part we been told since dad's toenail came off that told and what not that it's not good. But since the beginning of the new year's toe has gotten better and is starting to grow a toenail once again. Because most of the time once a toenail is gone it does not return our thing that happens is the cut off moreand more. If anyone is reading this you been praying for my dad thank you. Now I just wish I could find someone to share my life with Oh well. Here's to being alone the rest my life.

I don't know what I am supposed to feel.

• Like I said in subject line I just don't know what I'm supposed to feel or do. Feeling very lonely right now. Wishing I had someone to share my life with. But like it's been all my life except for about six months worth I'm always alone. I can never get a woman to be interested in me. That should say except that this smoke drink drugs or whatever but I can never find a true woman to fall in love with me. And what stinks I pray about this all the time that the Lord will show me the one he wants for me in my life. And I thought I found her. But I was wrong I guess I'm supposed to be alone. Which really stinks. And what really stinks also is that I seem to be pretty good with kids. But at my age I'll never have any of my own. Therefore I cannot understand why I get readings from chronicles all the time when I pray about finding someone. Probably a good thing that I will never have anyone in my life anyways. Because way my luck finances are going I'll be going to be on the streets in two years anyways. So again why in the hell am I alive and why was I born. I don't get it because I should've been dead so many times from different things especially lighting. I just feel like such a loser. 

Feeling so alone.

Wish I had a women in my life. Sad that I got to look at websites and other things to see women let alone naked women. Can't seem to find anyone who wants see me especially naked. I hate being alone. I wish someone wanted to share their life with me. I know I can be an ass at times. Who isn't an ass at times?  I seem to be good with kids.  Anyways. This asshole is done for now.

I hate myself.

I so hate myself. I have no damn idea why I was born. I've tried my whole life to do the Lords will. And every time I try to find a woman and prayed about it he always said no. Thought I found someone boy was I wrong. Still haven't figured out why he let me to go with her if he knew she wasn't one. Can't figure out why when I prayed about marriage I was getting readings about marriage. Just to have a few months later find out she's fucking other guys. It must be on that I am that bad of a person. In the last few days of been trying to get my dad to start taking better care of himself. He was totally ignore me today I got mad and walked out haven't talk to him sents. If he don't care about himself and I guess I don't either. The thing is we go through this all the time. And it usually ends up he is in the hospital because he's dehydrated or some type of infection has gotten going. In the big thing on asking him to do is drink more water. So like I said why am I here but no one cares what I say or try to do.

Wish I were dead.

Will someone just kill me and get this miserable life over with.

Hate my self.

I hate my self I hate my self I hate myself. Why do I get my hopes that a woman might like me. I should know that I am just too damn ugly for anyone to like. Or all that they want is money. Why do I keep having hope that I am going to find someone. Looks like my hand is the only pleasure I'll ever get. How the heck am I supposed to get confidence with women when none of them want to be around me. So fuck you women. So again why in the hell am I here on earth. I can't figure out is when I try to have my prayer time. A lot of the readings I get are from chronicles. How in the hell am I supposed to have descendants if I cannot get one woman to fall in love with me. So fuck you women and fuck you world.

Giving up on love.

I have been trying to find any women who would want to be with me even just to talk. I can't even get that. My ex a few days ago said she didn't want me to leave the church we went to. And since that statement she text me once to find out where some things were at church and like normal nothing since. And I don't get the readings I get during my prayer time. It seems like the lord is saying I will find someone to marry. But more and more in my heart I feel like it will never happen. Where it seems like most of my life I never gave up on getting married. Since i only been with one women my entire life and that was within the last two years. And like normal for me she couldn't stand to be near me. I dont get it because I think I am a nice guy. Its just that I am really shy and not sure of my self around women.

Anyways things going my way a little. Making a little extra cash. The big thing is though is dad is doing better. He saw a doctor the other week and the doctor saw how tired he was and out of it he was. The doctor changed some of his meds and basically gave him some uppers and dad came to life. Where he would sleep most of the day is now awake most of the day. He is alert and joking again. Were it took all his concentration to do anything. Now he can walk and talk with you now.

Wish I could express my self better. Anyways thanks for reading this idiots blog.

Crappy start to the year.

Well it has not been a good new year. Started off the year with my dad in the hospital. While there had a seizure and went into cardiac arrest. Gratefully they were able to revive him. Had to fight to get him put into a nursing home. Finally were able to getting into one. The place where he was staying did not take the best care of him. He was there three weeks and had only one bath. Got him in a new nursing home now. Wish I could say he's doing better but he's not. You can be talking to them he falls asleep on you. To be honest I don't know if he will ever come home. If that's the case how are we going to pay for this. I have no idea what I'm going to do concerning my dad. If I were to find someone to get married to. I had always hope to have one parent there. By the way things are going I won't have a parent there. And lately my ex has been texting me again. She let me know of some people she would like prayers for. When I tried to talk back to her again I get nothing. I'm wondering what's going on with those people that she asked me to pray for. But like normal she don't want to talk to me. This hurts so much. I just wish I knew what to do. Been trying to find someone to go with. Only place I've really been looking for someone is online since I don't have a chance to get out. Getting frustrated. Have had differently women want to talk to me. But it always comes down to going to some website where they come right out and ask for money. Well people I don't have money. Just wish I could find someone that wants me for me. And I don't understand why it seems that the Lord wants me to continue to pray for my ex. And at times it seems like he still wants me to marry her. Just wish I knew what the Lord wants of me. Well thanks for reading my rant.