Still can't stand myself

I still can't stand myself. I hate it that I want to be dead. Last night was really struggling with my ex-girlfriend. Trying to figure out why she said I am the one with the problem. I am the one that ruin the relationship by being too demanding or controlling. She's the one that went out and had other guys playing with her and other guys having sex with her and sexting with other people too. I knew she had struggles with this before we got together. But she said she has given it up. She was spending time with everybody else but me. So yeah I got a little demanding when I wanted to spend time with her. But yet it's all my fault that the relationship ended and I am the one with the problem. I admit I've got problems. But then again who doesn't. I tried so hard to change for her. But I was hoping she would want to make changes for me too. But I guess not. Again why did I expect to find someone at 43 years old. What I couldn't even get a girlfriend when I was in my teens and 20s or 30s. Boy am I stupid. So again why am I here. I was so looking forward to taking care of someone and have them take care of me. So anyways I was going to Text her about how I was feeling about things and how she treated me. But when I went to use the texting program she had sent me a text earlier in the day. Granted it only said hi. But the last time she had text me she said I will never talk to you again. So needless to say I'm really confused right now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I still hate myself I still don't want to live. Well I need to get going and get some stuff done.