Again I just don't know what to do.

I just don't know what to do concerning my dad. He's back in the hospital again with another mini stroke. I guess the good thing is maybe they can rearrange some of his meds so he feels more alive.

As for me I still wonder why the hell I am here on earth. So that is I just wish I had someone to share my life with that wanted to be with me. But I doubt that will ever happen.

About dad

Well my dad goes in for a procedure to check the veins in his legs on Monday morning. Kind of worried that things might go wrong. But praying things will go well. Dad's big toe is doing a lot better than what it was. This is on the foot that they might have to take off eventually. For the most part we been told since dad's toenail came off that told and what not that it's not good. But since the beginning of the new year's toe has gotten better and is starting to grow a toenail once again. Because most of the time once a toenail is gone it does not return our thing that happens is the cut off moreand more. If anyone is reading this you been praying for my dad thank you. Now I just wish I could find someone to share my life with Oh well. Here's to being alone the rest my life.

I don't know what I am supposed to feel.

• Like I said in subject line I just don't know what I'm supposed to feel or do. Feeling very lonely right now. Wishing I had someone to share my life with. But like it's been all my life except for about six months worth I'm always alone. I can never get a woman to be interested in me. That should say except that this smoke drink drugs or whatever but I can never find a true woman to fall in love with me. And what stinks I pray about this all the time that the Lord will show me the one he wants for me in my life. And I thought I found her. But I was wrong I guess I'm supposed to be alone. Which really stinks. And what really stinks also is that I seem to be pretty good with kids. But at my age I'll never have any of my own. Therefore I cannot understand why I get readings from chronicles all the time when I pray about finding someone. Probably a good thing that I will never have anyone in my life anyways. Because way my luck finances are going I'll be going to be on the streets in two years anyways. So again why in the hell am I alive and why was I born. I don't get it because I should've been dead so many times from different things especially lighting. I just feel like such a loser. 

Feeling so alone.

Wish I had a women in my life. Sad that I got to look at websites and other things to see women let alone naked women. Can't seem to find anyone who wants see me especially naked. I hate being alone. I wish someone wanted to share their life with me. I know I can be an ass at times. Who isn't an ass at times?  I seem to be good with kids.  Anyways. This asshole is done for now.

I hate myself.

I so hate myself. I have no damn idea why I was born. I've tried my whole life to do the Lords will. And every time I try to find a woman and prayed about it he always said no. Thought I found someone boy was I wrong. Still haven't figured out why he let me to go with her if he knew she wasn't one. Can't figure out why when I prayed about marriage I was getting readings about marriage. Just to have a few months later find out she's fucking other guys. It must be on that I am that bad of a person. In the last few days of been trying to get my dad to start taking better care of himself. He was totally ignore me today I got mad and walked out haven't talk to him sents. If he don't care about himself and I guess I don't either. The thing is we go through this all the time. And it usually ends up he is in the hospital because he's dehydrated or some type of infection has gotten going. In the big thing on asking him to do is drink more water. So like I said why am I here but no one cares what I say or try to do.

Wish I were dead.

Will someone just kill me and get this miserable life over with.

Hate my self.

I hate my self I hate my self I hate myself. Why do I get my hopes that a woman might like me. I should know that I am just too damn ugly for anyone to like. Or all that they want is money. Why do I keep having hope that I am going to find someone. Looks like my hand is the only pleasure I'll ever get. How the heck am I supposed to get confidence with women when none of them want to be around me. So fuck you women. So again why in the hell am I here on earth. I can't figure out is when I try to have my prayer time. A lot of the readings I get are from chronicles. How in the hell am I supposed to have descendants if I cannot get one woman to fall in love with me. So fuck you women and fuck you world.

Giving up on love.

I have been trying to find any women who would want to be with me even just to talk. I can't even get that. My ex a few days ago said she didn't want me to leave the church we went to. And since that statement she text me once to find out where some things were at church and like normal nothing since. And I don't get the readings I get during my prayer time. It seems like the lord is saying I will find someone to marry. But more and more in my heart I feel like it will never happen. Where it seems like most of my life I never gave up on getting married. Since i only been with one women my entire life and that was within the last two years. And like normal for me she couldn't stand to be near me. I dont get it because I think I am a nice guy. Its just that I am really shy and not sure of my self around women.

Anyways things going my way a little. Making a little extra cash. The big thing is though is dad is doing better. He saw a doctor the other week and the doctor saw how tired he was and out of it he was. The doctor changed some of his meds and basically gave him some uppers and dad came to life. Where he would sleep most of the day is now awake most of the day. He is alert and joking again. Were it took all his concentration to do anything. Now he can walk and talk with you now.

Wish I could express my self better. Anyways thanks for reading this idiots blog.

Crappy start to the year.

Well it has not been a good new year. Started off the year with my dad in the hospital. While there had a seizure and went into cardiac arrest. Gratefully they were able to revive him. Had to fight to get him put into a nursing home. Finally were able to getting into one. The place where he was staying did not take the best care of him. He was there three weeks and had only one bath. Got him in a new nursing home now. Wish I could say he's doing better but he's not. You can be talking to them he falls asleep on you. To be honest I don't know if he will ever come home. If that's the case how are we going to pay for this. I have no idea what I'm going to do concerning my dad. If I were to find someone to get married to. I had always hope to have one parent there. By the way things are going I won't have a parent there. And lately my ex has been texting me again. She let me know of some people she would like prayers for. When I tried to talk back to her again I get nothing. I'm wondering what's going on with those people that she asked me to pray for. But like normal she don't want to talk to me. This hurts so much. I just wish I knew what to do. Been trying to find someone to go with. Only place I've really been looking for someone is online since I don't have a chance to get out. Getting frustrated. Have had differently women want to talk to me. But it always comes down to going to some website where they come right out and ask for money. Well people I don't have money. Just wish I could find someone that wants me for me. And I don't understand why it seems that the Lord wants me to continue to pray for my ex. And at times it seems like he still wants me to marry her. Just wish I knew what the Lord wants of me. Well thanks for reading my rant.

Crappy Christmas

Start out today thought that was going to be a good Christmas. Boy was I wrong. Got the potato salad done the night before. Got turkey going to and smoke to smokers this morning. Wanted to show dad something but he didn't want to get up. Just before I was going to go outside to get turkey dad says to make his own dinner. He knew I had the turkey going. Sent a text to my sisters this morning to return the family a Merry Christmas. Never got anything back. Was kind of hoping my ex since we've been talking like send me something. Nope. I was trying to make this a good Christmas day for dad and me but sure did turne into crap. So again why the hell am I here.

Not good not good at all.

Okay last week did have a procedure done on his legs don't his veins back up I mean his arteries. Over the weekend his left foot really starting to bother him. Gratefully they were able to get him into the doctors office yesterday. Pray much we were told they going to have to amputate here before too long. Needless to say it's scary. I just hope my dad don't give up. So if any of you that read this believe in God please pray for him.

And here is a note about my ex and I struggles with her. Last week concerning my ex I had asked the Lird if I do not hear from her by this Tuesday today I would give up on us completely. Well I have talked to a few different times via text. Then this morning just before I woke up and was having a dream and I was telling someone in the dream that I still feel like the Lord is calling me and her to be together. And as I was going through my emails this morning I was reminded about how I was going to give up on me and my ex. Because I had put it on my calendar if I did not hear from her to give up. So I am praying that the Lord is calling us together and it's just not coincidences this all that I have just said. So again if anyone that reaches believes in God please pray that the Lord will guide me in what to do about my dad and also about my ex.

Thanks for listening and have a Merry Christmas goodbye.

Struggling

Has not been a good couple weeks. Dad not doing good. Have had a bunch of doc appointments lately. Had to go in for minor surgery on his legs again. And lately he is not there mentally. Does not know what's going on. Then my ex texted me and wondered how things going. I told her about me and nothing about my dad. Asked how school and her health doing. Waited and still am waiting 4-5 days later. She has been on my mind a lot anyway then that text, then nothing. Just don't know what to do. I got all that going on with my dad and struggling to make payments on things. I got one vehicle down. Of course its the one I need for dad and don't know how I am going to the get money to fix it. I need to pay a friend off from money I borrowed from him 3 years ago. I have tried to sell some stuff I have but no ones wants to buy them. Ok Lord when will things get better. I have tried all my life to do your will. At times things go ok. It seems like my enter life things go wrong. Mom sick my entire life dad not far behind her. I Can't say I have done things right I mess up. But come on I served your church in one way or another my entire life except this summer. I cant see where it is making a difference. Things still going like crap but still trying to believe that you will provide. And at times I believe he has. But why do things seem to be getting worse? This started last year or so. I just wish I knew what the Lord wanted from me. Some say find a better job. Tried that. But some aspects glad I have the one I have. This way I can be here to take care of dad.

Lonely

Right now I feel so alone. Wish somebody could hold me and tell me things will be okay. I owe so much money right now I don't know how to pay for anything. I got everything breaking down right now. I've lost a friendship because I owe them money. Just saw a movie that reminds me how alone I am. It reminded me of my dad and how much love and compassion he showed to my mom when she was slowly dying. I so want to be able to do that for my wife if I had one. I so want to be in someone's life to help take care of them and hope to take care of me the same way. So right now I feel so alone. Wish I had someone in my life that could hold and reassure me that things will work out. I still wish so much that my ex was in my life. I cared for her so much correction I care for her so much. I know there's a lot going on in her life right now. And I wish I could be a part of her life to help her through it. But she asked me to leave so I left. And I've had friends and family tell me to forget about her. So that's what I'm trying to do. The only thing is I still don't understand why the Lord let me go with her. Throughout my life every time I was interested in a woman The Lord blocked it somehow. Whether it was through readings or that person leaving my life. And now that she's left my life also. I am wondering if I'm supposed to be alone the rest of my life. It's just kind of stinks since all my life I'll ever wanted to do was to be married and care for someone. Like right now really wish I had someone to hold me. But it will never happen again.

Don't know

Well at least Thanksgiving dinner went well today. Again I was looking around trying to find if anyone was actually interested in me. Nope all they want is money. Yeah I'm talking about different websites and women. I live in the country so I don't have a chance to get out much. I also take care of my dad. Plus I live in a small house. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised when nobody wants to be with me. So I've got to stop thinking that somebody is going to fall in love with me. I don't make anything to speak of. In fact I feel like I'm falling further behind. It seems like when I might actually get caught up in be a head a little something else goes wrong. So I guess I'm going to try selling some stuff that I don't use that much anymore. And hope I get paid with what it's worth. Knowing my luck I'll get an eighth of what stuff is worth. I hate it that my ex has been on my mind so much lately. Well I hope she has a good life. And that she will find the one that is meant for her. And I'm going to try my hardest to forget about being with a woman ever again. Since that were everything always seems to go.

Should have known.

For the last couple days I've been trying to find someone to go with. I can't deny that I have not been looking for sex or someone to play with or simply to be a friend. I even try talking to my ex via text. Since I am 44 I can definitely say for the last 34 years and I still haven't found someone to go with. So why do I keep trying to find someone. Should be blatantly obvious that no one wants to be with me. I think I am a kindhearted loving caring man. Do I have a temper at times yes. All I ever wanted to do was be with someone, care for them as much as they care for me. So I guess I should try to prepare myself to be alone the rest of my life. I was so stupid last year to believe someone was actually falling in love with me. It's nothing against her. I was just stupid believing that someone would want to be with me for the rest of my life.

Not sure what to do.

Well I have not been on here in awhile. Well got done one of the things that needed to be done. Was able to get the ramp built for my dad. I don't know why but lately my ex been on my mind a lot. We used to use this messenger to talk back-and-forth. For two or three days I was having the urge to look at it but I didn't want to. Finally I took a close look at her picture. Almost like she was posing if there was the wedding band and engagement ring. So I made a comment about it. And told her I hope her and her family have a good Thanksgiving. And so the last couple days have been trying to figure out what that means with her having it on. I took finally look back at that messenger and all she said was hi. Just now I was praying to the Lord about what to do about my ex. And then I got a reading from Tobit eight verse four. It is about Tobias and Sara when they pray to the Lord to bless their marriage. And also has some there were God gave Adam and Eve so he would not be alone. So I'm really hoping and praying that this is what he wants from me and my ex at some point in time to get back together. So if any of you to happen to see this please pray for us and then we will follow God's will. Thanks for your prayers and for putting up with me.

I seem to do is screwup.

Can I ever catch a break. Been working for Farmer friend of mine. First a couple weeks ago I Tahoe broke down. Okay now I gota come up with money to fix that. Then I discovered that my Blaser needs a bunch of break work done on it. Cool I'm working for my farmer friend to earn some money to fix these. But today well working some ground somehow I break three teeth on the implement. And of course he was really upset about this. And I've had some other minor things that seem to happen well I'm running his equipment. I don't know what to do. I watch what I'm doing but still shit is happening. I sent him a text later apologizing for not paying more attention to things. And I also mentioned I would understand if you don't want me to run his equipment anymore. I don't have confidence in myself anymore. Because every time I think things are kind of going to get turnaround  it gets worse. So Lord why am I here. I just don't know what to do anymore. Just when I think I might have a reason to live. Things go to crap again.

Tired

Well it's been a busy last week. It started last weekend when I had to dig a grave for a funeral for a cop. By the way I take care of the cemeteries for the township I live in. The funeral was on Monday.   I had about hundred cars in a smaller cemetery compared to the bigger ones you see. And this took all day. Then on Tuesday I had to run my dad allover the place for different doctors appointments. That evening I get a call from my farmer friend. So from Wednesday I've been working 10+ hours a day. So I guess that's a good thing because I didn't think about wanting to die as much. Well I thought I post a little something anyways. Hope whoever reads this has a good week ahead and month and year. What the heck have a good rest of your life.

I just don't know what to do.

First off I'm scared what's going on with my dad again. Just came home from nursing home about a week or so ago. Now he's just not there like he was. When he first came home from the nursing home he was full life was very sharp remembering talking about things. The last few days very tired and not remembering things.

I still don't know why I was born. I still hate myself. I've been trying to pray to the Lord. When I finally get the courage up to do that. Pray about something specific in the reading I get it doesn't make sense at all with what I'm asking about. So at times it seems like even God don't care that I'm alive. Like just a little bit ago. I was praying and asking the Lord what I'm supposed to do about my job situation. So I getting a reading from songs. So how is being with a woman anything to do with about getting the a job. I would not think God would want me to be a porn star. Besides that I'm terrible in bed. The reason I say that I think this one big reason she left me. Kind of weird to believe that anybody want to read what I say. But I see somebody is. Hope you're getting a good laugh.

shit

Ugg I hate this. Just when things look like things might stable out. Like normal FUCK you shows up. Was hopping that things might start to go my way. NOPE. Was using truck today and finally found out why I have been smelling gas lately. One of the fuel lines off the gas tank fuel pump sprung a leak. And of course this happens when I need the truck badly. Why can't things go well for me?

 And I can't figure out why my ex girlfriend is texting me. Thinking that she just wants something from me again. Part of me is hoping the reason she text me is she misses me. But lets be real. My life isnt good that way. Usully it says Fuck you ass hole. I mean why would things go my way. Like I have been saying. My life sucks. So why was I born?