Not sure what to do.

Well I have not been on here in awhile. Well got done one of the things that needed to be done. Was able to get the ramp built for my dad. I don't know why but lately my ex been on my mind a lot. We used to use this messenger to talk back-and-forth. For two or three days I was having the urge to look at it but I didn't want to. Finally I took a close look at her picture. Almost like she was posing if there was the wedding band and engagement ring. So I made a comment about it. And told her I hope her and her family have a good Thanksgiving. And so the last couple days have been trying to figure out what that means with her having it on. I took finally look back at that messenger and all she said was hi. Just now I was praying to the Lord about what to do about my ex. And then I got a reading from Tobit eight verse four. It is about Tobias and Sara when they pray to the Lord to bless their marriage. And also has some there were God gave Adam and Eve so he would not be alone. So I'm really hoping and praying that this is what he wants from me and my ex at some point in time to get back together. So if any of you to happen to see this please pray for us and then we will follow God's will. Thanks for your prayers and for putting up with me.

I seem to do is screwup.

Can I ever catch a break. Been working for Farmer friend of mine. First a couple weeks ago I Tahoe broke down. Okay now I gota come up with money to fix that. Then I discovered that my Blaser needs a bunch of break work done on it. Cool I'm working for my farmer friend to earn some money to fix these. But today well working some ground somehow I break three teeth on the implement. And of course he was really upset about this. And I've had some other minor things that seem to happen well I'm running his equipment. I don't know what to do. I watch what I'm doing but still shit is happening. I sent him a text later apologizing for not paying more attention to things. And I also mentioned I would understand if you don't want me to run his equipment anymore. I don't have confidence in myself anymore. Because every time I think things are kind of going to get turnaround  it gets worse. So Lord why am I here. I just don't know what to do anymore. Just when I think I might have a reason to live. Things go to crap again.

Tired

Well it's been a busy last week. It started last weekend when I had to dig a grave for a funeral for a cop. By the way I take care of the cemeteries for the township I live in. The funeral was on Monday.   I had about hundred cars in a smaller cemetery compared to the bigger ones you see. And this took all day. Then on Tuesday I had to run my dad allover the place for different doctors appointments. That evening I get a call from my farmer friend. So from Wednesday I've been working 10+ hours a day. So I guess that's a good thing because I didn't think about wanting to die as much. Well I thought I post a little something anyways. Hope whoever reads this has a good week ahead and month and year. What the heck have a good rest of your life.

I just don't know what to do.

First off I'm scared what's going on with my dad again. Just came home from nursing home about a week or so ago. Now he's just not there like he was. When he first came home from the nursing home he was full life was very sharp remembering talking about things. The last few days very tired and not remembering things.

I still don't know why I was born. I still hate myself. I've been trying to pray to the Lord. When I finally get the courage up to do that. Pray about something specific in the reading I get it doesn't make sense at all with what I'm asking about. So at times it seems like even God don't care that I'm alive. Like just a little bit ago. I was praying and asking the Lord what I'm supposed to do about my job situation. So I getting a reading from songs. So how is being with a woman anything to do with about getting the a job. I would not think God would want me to be a porn star. Besides that I'm terrible in bed. The reason I say that I think this one big reason she left me. Kind of weird to believe that anybody want to read what I say. But I see somebody is. Hope you're getting a good laugh.

shit

Ugg I hate this. Just when things look like things might stable out. Like normal FUCK you shows up. Was hopping that things might start to go my way. NOPE. Was using truck today and finally found out why I have been smelling gas lately. One of the fuel lines off the gas tank fuel pump sprung a leak. And of course this happens when I need the truck badly. Why can't things go well for me?

 And I can't figure out why my ex girlfriend is texting me. Thinking that she just wants something from me again. Part of me is hoping the reason she text me is she misses me. But lets be real. My life isnt good that way. Usully it says Fuck you ass hole. I mean why would things go my way. Like I have been saying. My life sucks. So why was I born?

Still can't stand myself

I still can't stand myself. I hate it that I want to be dead. Last night was really struggling with my ex-girlfriend. Trying to figure out why she said I am the one with the problem. I am the one that ruin the relationship by being too demanding or controlling. She's the one that went out and had other guys playing with her and other guys having sex with her and sexting with other people too. I knew she had struggles with this before we got together. But she said she has given it up. She was spending time with everybody else but me. So yeah I got a little demanding when I wanted to spend time with her. But yet it's all my fault that the relationship ended and I am the one with the problem. I admit I've got problems. But then again who doesn't. I tried so hard to change for her. But I was hoping she would want to make changes for me too. But I guess not. Again why did I expect to find someone at 43 years old. What I couldn't even get a girlfriend when I was in my teens and 20s or 30s. Boy am I stupid. So again why am I here. I was so looking forward to taking care of someone and have them take care of me. So anyways I was going to Text her about how I was feeling about things and how she treated me. But when I went to use the texting program she had sent me a text earlier in the day. Granted it only said hi. But the last time she had text me she said I will never talk to you again. So needless to say I'm really confused right now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I still hate myself I still don't want to live. Well I need to get going and get some stuff done.

Why am I here

I still hate myself. I can not stand my self. As of right now I don't care to live and I welcome death. I hate that I feel this way. I also don't like that i am thinking of ways I could kill myself. And I really hate I started to look on line on ways to kill ones self.