Crappy start to the year.

Well it has not been a good new year. Started off the year with my dad in the hospital. While there had a seizure and went into cardiac arrest. Gratefully they were able to revive him. Had to fight to get him put into a nursing home. Finally were able to getting into one. The place where he was staying did not take the best care of him. He was there three weeks and had only one bath. Got him in a new nursing home now. Wish I could say he's doing better but he's not. You can be talking to them he falls asleep on you. To be honest I don't know if he will ever come home. If that's the case how are we going to pay for this. I have no idea what I'm going to do concerning my dad. If I were to find someone to get married to. I had always hope to have one parent there. By the way things are going I won't have a parent there. And lately my ex has been texting me again. She let me know of some people she would like prayers for. When I tried to talk back to her again I get nothing. I'm wondering what's going on with those people that she asked me to pray for. But like normal she don't want to talk to me. This hurts so much. I just wish I knew what to do. Been trying to find someone to go with. Only place I've really been looking for someone is online since I don't have a chance to get out. Getting frustrated. Have had differently women want to talk to me. But it always comes down to going to some website where they come right out and ask for money. Well people I don't have money. Just wish I could find someone that wants me for me. And I don't understand why it seems that the Lord wants me to continue to pray for my ex. And at times it seems like he still wants me to marry her. Just wish I knew what the Lord wants of me. Well thanks for reading my rant.

Crappy Christmas

Start out today thought that was going to be a good Christmas. Boy was I wrong. Got the potato salad done the night before. Got turkey going to and smoke to smokers this morning. Wanted to show dad something but he didn't want to get up. Just before I was going to go outside to get turkey dad says to make his own dinner. He knew I had the turkey going. Sent a text to my sisters this morning to return the family a Merry Christmas. Never got anything back. Was kind of hoping my ex since we've been talking like send me something. Nope. I was trying to make this a good Christmas day for dad and me but sure did turne into crap. So again why the hell am I here.

Not good not good at all.

Okay last week did have a procedure done on his legs don't his veins back up I mean his arteries. Over the weekend his left foot really starting to bother him. Gratefully they were able to get him into the doctors office yesterday. Pray much we were told they going to have to amputate here before too long. Needless to say it's scary. I just hope my dad don't give up. So if any of you that read this believe in God please pray for him.

And here is a note about my ex and I struggles with her. Last week concerning my ex I had asked the Lird if I do not hear from her by this Tuesday today I would give up on us completely. Well I have talked to a few different times via text. Then this morning just before I woke up and was having a dream and I was telling someone in the dream that I still feel like the Lord is calling me and her to be together. And as I was going through my emails this morning I was reminded about how I was going to give up on me and my ex. Because I had put it on my calendar if I did not hear from her to give up. So I am praying that the Lord is calling us together and it's just not coincidences this all that I have just said. So again if anyone that reaches believes in God please pray that the Lord will guide me in what to do about my dad and also about my ex.

Thanks for listening and have a Merry Christmas goodbye.

Struggling

Has not been a good couple weeks. Dad not doing good. Have had a bunch of doc appointments lately. Had to go in for minor surgery on his legs again. And lately he is not there mentally. Does not know what's going on. Then my ex texted me and wondered how things going. I told her about me and nothing about my dad. Asked how school and her health doing. Waited and still am waiting 4-5 days later. She has been on my mind a lot anyway then that text, then nothing. Just don't know what to do. I got all that going on with my dad and struggling to make payments on things. I got one vehicle down. Of course its the one I need for dad and don't know how I am going to the get money to fix it. I need to pay a friend off from money I borrowed from him 3 years ago. I have tried to sell some stuff I have but no ones wants to buy them. Ok Lord when will things get better. I have tried all my life to do your will. At times things go ok. It seems like my enter life things go wrong. Mom sick my entire life dad not far behind her. I Can't say I have done things right I mess up. But come on I served your church in one way or another my entire life except this summer. I cant see where it is making a difference. Things still going like crap but still trying to believe that you will provide. And at times I believe he has. But why do things seem to be getting worse? This started last year or so. I just wish I knew what the Lord wanted from me. Some say find a better job. Tried that. But some aspects glad I have the one I have. This way I can be here to take care of dad.

Lonely

Right now I feel so alone. Wish somebody could hold me and tell me things will be okay. I owe so much money right now I don't know how to pay for anything. I got everything breaking down right now. I've lost a friendship because I owe them money. Just saw a movie that reminds me how alone I am. It reminded me of my dad and how much love and compassion he showed to my mom when she was slowly dying. I so want to be able to do that for my wife if I had one. I so want to be in someone's life to help take care of them and hope to take care of me the same way. So right now I feel so alone. Wish I had someone in my life that could hold and reassure me that things will work out. I still wish so much that my ex was in my life. I cared for her so much correction I care for her so much. I know there's a lot going on in her life right now. And I wish I could be a part of her life to help her through it. But she asked me to leave so I left. And I've had friends and family tell me to forget about her. So that's what I'm trying to do. The only thing is I still don't understand why the Lord let me go with her. Throughout my life every time I was interested in a woman The Lord blocked it somehow. Whether it was through readings or that person leaving my life. And now that she's left my life also. I am wondering if I'm supposed to be alone the rest of my life. It's just kind of stinks since all my life I'll ever wanted to do was to be married and care for someone. Like right now really wish I had someone to hold me. But it will never happen again.

Don't know

Well at least Thanksgiving dinner went well today. Again I was looking around trying to find if anyone was actually interested in me. Nope all they want is money. Yeah I'm talking about different websites and women. I live in the country so I don't have a chance to get out much. I also take care of my dad. Plus I live in a small house. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised when nobody wants to be with me. So I've got to stop thinking that somebody is going to fall in love with me. I don't make anything to speak of. In fact I feel like I'm falling further behind. It seems like when I might actually get caught up in be a head a little something else goes wrong. So I guess I'm going to try selling some stuff that I don't use that much anymore. And hope I get paid with what it's worth. Knowing my luck I'll get an eighth of what stuff is worth. I hate it that my ex has been on my mind so much lately. Well I hope she has a good life. And that she will find the one that is meant for her. And I'm going to try my hardest to forget about being with a woman ever again. Since that were everything always seems to go.

Should have known.

For the last couple days I've been trying to find someone to go with. I can't deny that I have not been looking for sex or someone to play with or simply to be a friend. I even try talking to my ex via text. Since I am 44 I can definitely say for the last 34 years and I still haven't found someone to go with. So why do I keep trying to find someone. Should be blatantly obvious that no one wants to be with me. I think I am a kindhearted loving caring man. Do I have a temper at times yes. All I ever wanted to do was be with someone, care for them as much as they care for me. So I guess I should try to prepare myself to be alone the rest of my life. I was so stupid last year to believe someone was actually falling in love with me. It's nothing against her. I was just stupid believing that someone would want to be with me for the rest of my life.