I just don't know what to do.

First off I'm scared what's going on with my dad again. Just came home from nursing home about a week or so ago. Now he's just not there like he was. When he first came home from the nursing home he was full life was very sharp remembering talking about things. The last few days very tired and not remembering things.

I still don't know why I was born. I still hate myself. I've been trying to pray to the Lord. When I finally get the courage up to do that. Pray about something specific in the reading I get it doesn't make sense at all with what I'm asking about. So at times it seems like even God don't care that I'm alive. Like just a little bit ago. I was praying and asking the Lord what I'm supposed to do about my job situation. So I getting a reading from songs. So how is being with a woman anything to do with about getting the a job. I would not think God would want me to be a porn star. Besides that I'm terrible in bed. The reason I say that I think this one big reason she left me. Kind of weird to believe that anybody want to read what I say. But I see somebody is. Hope you're getting a good laugh.

shit

Ugg I hate this. Just when things look like things might stable out. Like normal FUCK you shows up. Was hopping that things might start to go my way. NOPE. Was using truck today and finally found out why I have been smelling gas lately. One of the fuel lines off the gas tank fuel pump sprung a leak. And of course this happens when I need the truck badly. Why can't things go well for me?

 And I can't figure out why my ex girlfriend is texting me. Thinking that she just wants something from me again. Part of me is hoping the reason she text me is she misses me. But lets be real. My life isnt good that way. Usully it says Fuck you ass hole. I mean why would things go my way. Like I have been saying. My life sucks. So why was I born?

Still can't stand myself

I still can't stand myself. I hate it that I want to be dead. Last night was really struggling with my ex-girlfriend. Trying to figure out why she said I am the one with the problem. I am the one that ruin the relationship by being too demanding or controlling. She's the one that went out and had other guys playing with her and other guys having sex with her and sexting with other people too. I knew she had struggles with this before we got together. But she said she has given it up. She was spending time with everybody else but me. So yeah I got a little demanding when I wanted to spend time with her. But yet it's all my fault that the relationship ended and I am the one with the problem. I admit I've got problems. But then again who doesn't. I tried so hard to change for her. But I was hoping she would want to make changes for me too. But I guess not. Again why did I expect to find someone at 43 years old. What I couldn't even get a girlfriend when I was in my teens and 20s or 30s. Boy am I stupid. So again why am I here. I was so looking forward to taking care of someone and have them take care of me. So anyways I was going to Text her about how I was feeling about things and how she treated me. But when I went to use the texting program she had sent me a text earlier in the day. Granted it only said hi. But the last time she had text me she said I will never talk to you again. So needless to say I'm really confused right now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I still hate myself I still don't want to live. Well I need to get going and get some stuff done.

Why am I here

I still hate myself. I can not stand my self. As of right now I don't care to live and I welcome death. I hate that I feel this way. I also don't like that i am thinking of ways I could kill myself. And I really hate I started to look on line on ways to kill ones self.

Kind of down right now.

Just found out my dad might lose part of his leg.

Wish I were dead.

I hate myself so much. I trie to have friends but nobody wants to be my friend. I think I figured out why my fiancé hates me. The last couple times we had sex I think I pretty much raped her. Even know she said yes I don't think she really wanted to have sex. So that would explain why she hates me. So that's definitely good reason why should be alive becouse I raped a women. Yesterday I thought maybe I might have some friends. Got a text yesterday from my sister about a party at her brother-in-law's. Think I'll cool I got invited to go someplace. Yeah I got invited to babysit my sisters kids. That's all I'm good for us to be used by everybody. But whenever I need help everybody's always too busy to help me. Yeah I might get help once in a great while. But it always seems Tony hopeless. So I helped them. But when I need to help nobody's available all too busy. So again why lord am I here. I have begged for your help lord. I have pleaded for your help Lord. I'm sorry I just do t feel you in my life anymore at all. I have tried to do your will. Granted I am not that good at it sorry.  Why won't anyone help me. At my former church that's what we were supposed to do there help each other. But every time I needed prayers nobody was there to help me. So again Lord why am I here. I can I should have known being a 43 year old that nobody would want to be with me for a reason. I mean for 30 some years I could never get a girlfriend. Why would I get one at 42. I should've known that it was not of the Lord. Lord why did you let her watch back in that night why. If you knew people say you do that this was going to happen. I tried so hard to be there for her. And all that happened was I got shut out. So again Lord why am I here if nobody likes me nobody wants to be around me. So Lord please let me die. Don't see no reason to live.

Still here but all alone

Well I am still here. Still wish I were dead. But that is up to God. I am still praying he will let me die. Well the only friend I had has left. She was the one I had asked to marry me. The last couple months she wanted space so I gave it to her. She has had a rough life. For a while I tried to stay around to help her even though she asked for space. The reason I tried to stay around was scared for her that she would go to back to her old life style. And I need a friend to lean on but she didn't see that. So I left our church and her so she could have space. Still trying to be a friend I would text or email her saying I am praying for her and I love her. Then I noticed my text weren't going through. She had said earlier that she was taking phone in for repair so I gave it up to that. Then one night I was feeling down and tried to call her. I could not get through so I texted her sister to find out what going on. Now remember still feeling down. Got email back she changed her number. Her reason she had a stocker bothering her. So now I am a stocker? Thanks. So last couple weeks tried to forget her. But it started a couple days ago. I started to get the feeling something very wrong with her. As in she going back to her old life style. The lord put it so strong on my heart I could not help but email her. The lord was telling to have her stop what she is about to do. That what she is about to do concerned her very soul. And since then I have sent her about five more emails. I could not stop my self. I am so scared for her. One thing is her very life. That if she goes that way she will die very soon. And I told her ask God for forgiveness and ask him to help you. And I told her to give herself totally to the Lord. And when she would he would bless her in way she could not imagine. I can not explain what it means to give it all to the Lord. It just is. So please if anyone reads this please pray for her. I am still very scared for her. I know that I have killed my last friendship I had. The reason I say I have no friends is. All that I had were from church. And over the years the ones I had have left for different reasons. Just grown apart over the years. And it doesn't help that I am very shy. As for other people in my life. I got family and work associates.  So like I said she was my last friend. I know I was not the best boyfriend. I knew she had issues and she knew I did. I could except the way she was and how she hurt me. I don't understand why she couldn't do the same. When ever she need help I would drop all I was doing and help her. But when I needed help She was to busy for me. So yes I would get upset and at times mad. So here I am all alone. Yes it hurts. But right now I am more concerned for her life. So Again if anyone reads this please pray for her. I know I can never have her as a friend again. Unless God makes it happen. But I am so concerned for her life and soul. Thank you for praying for her. Bye