I hate myself.

I so hate myself. I have no damn idea why I was born. I've tried my whole life to do the Lords will. And every time I try to find a woman and prayed about it he always said no. Thought I found someone boy was I wrong. Still haven't figured out why he let me to go with her if he knew she wasn't one. Can't figure out why when I prayed about marriage I was getting readings about marriage. Just to have a few months later find out she's fucking other guys. It must be on that I am that bad of a person. In the last few days of been trying to get my dad to start taking better care of himself. He was totally ignore me today I got mad and walked out haven't talk to him sents. If he don't care about himself and I guess I don't either. The thing is we go through this all the time. And it usually ends up he is in the hospital because he's dehydrated or some type of infection has gotten going. In the big thing on asking him to do is drink more water. So like I said why am I here but no one cares what I say or try to do.

Wish I were dead.

Will someone just kill me and get this miserable life over with.

Hate my self.

I hate my self I hate my self I hate myself. Why do I get my hopes that a woman might like me. I should know that I am just too damn ugly for anyone to like. Or all that they want is money. Why do I keep having hope that I am going to find someone. Looks like my hand is the only pleasure I'll ever get. How the heck am I supposed to get confidence with women when none of them want to be around me. So fuck you women. So again why in the hell am I here on earth. I can't figure out is when I try to have my prayer time. A lot of the readings I get are from chronicles. How in the hell am I supposed to have descendants if I cannot get one woman to fall in love with me. So fuck you women and fuck you world.

Giving up on love.

I have been trying to find any women who would want to be with me even just to talk. I can't even get that. My ex a few days ago said she didn't want me to leave the church we went to. And since that statement she text me once to find out where some things were at church and like normal nothing since. And I don't get the readings I get during my prayer time. It seems like the lord is saying I will find someone to marry. But more and more in my heart I feel like it will never happen. Where it seems like most of my life I never gave up on getting married. Since i only been with one women my entire life and that was within the last two years. And like normal for me she couldn't stand to be near me. I dont get it because I think I am a nice guy. Its just that I am really shy and not sure of my self around women.

Anyways things going my way a little. Making a little extra cash. The big thing is though is dad is doing better. He saw a doctor the other week and the doctor saw how tired he was and out of it he was. The doctor changed some of his meds and basically gave him some uppers and dad came to life. Where he would sleep most of the day is now awake most of the day. He is alert and joking again. Were it took all his concentration to do anything. Now he can walk and talk with you now.

Wish I could express my self better. Anyways thanks for reading this idiots blog.

Crappy start to the year.

Well it has not been a good new year. Started off the year with my dad in the hospital. While there had a seizure and went into cardiac arrest. Gratefully they were able to revive him. Had to fight to get him put into a nursing home. Finally were able to getting into one. The place where he was staying did not take the best care of him. He was there three weeks and had only one bath. Got him in a new nursing home now. Wish I could say he's doing better but he's not. You can be talking to them he falls asleep on you. To be honest I don't know if he will ever come home. If that's the case how are we going to pay for this. I have no idea what I'm going to do concerning my dad. If I were to find someone to get married to. I had always hope to have one parent there. By the way things are going I won't have a parent there. And lately my ex has been texting me again. She let me know of some people she would like prayers for. When I tried to talk back to her again I get nothing. I'm wondering what's going on with those people that she asked me to pray for. But like normal she don't want to talk to me. This hurts so much. I just wish I knew what to do. Been trying to find someone to go with. Only place I've really been looking for someone is online since I don't have a chance to get out. Getting frustrated. Have had differently women want to talk to me. But it always comes down to going to some website where they come right out and ask for money. Well people I don't have money. Just wish I could find someone that wants me for me. And I don't understand why it seems that the Lord wants me to continue to pray for my ex. And at times it seems like he still wants me to marry her. Just wish I knew what the Lord wants of me. Well thanks for reading my rant.

Crappy Christmas

Start out today thought that was going to be a good Christmas. Boy was I wrong. Got the potato salad done the night before. Got turkey going to and smoke to smokers this morning. Wanted to show dad something but he didn't want to get up. Just before I was going to go outside to get turkey dad says to make his own dinner. He knew I had the turkey going. Sent a text to my sisters this morning to return the family a Merry Christmas. Never got anything back. Was kind of hoping my ex since we've been talking like send me something. Nope. I was trying to make this a good Christmas day for dad and me but sure did turne into crap. So again why the hell am I here.

Not good not good at all.

Okay last week did have a procedure done on his legs don't his veins back up I mean his arteries. Over the weekend his left foot really starting to bother him. Gratefully they were able to get him into the doctors office yesterday. Pray much we were told they going to have to amputate here before too long. Needless to say it's scary. I just hope my dad don't give up. So if any of you that read this believe in God please pray for him.

And here is a note about my ex and I struggles with her. Last week concerning my ex I had asked the Lird if I do not hear from her by this Tuesday today I would give up on us completely. Well I have talked to a few different times via text. Then this morning just before I woke up and was having a dream and I was telling someone in the dream that I still feel like the Lord is calling me and her to be together. And as I was going through my emails this morning I was reminded about how I was going to give up on me and my ex. Because I had put it on my calendar if I did not hear from her to give up. So I am praying that the Lord is calling us together and it's just not coincidences this all that I have just said. So again if anyone that reaches believes in God please pray that the Lord will guide me in what to do about my dad and also about my ex.

Thanks for listening and have a Merry Christmas goodbye.